Life Lately

It’s been a while since I’ve discussed what’s been going on with us outside of fertility stuff, so today that’s what I’m gonna do :) We actually had quite a busy summer, and it’s been nice that things have calmed down for now.

Despite the craziness, I was actually able to meet my best friend and her family in Colorado for a five days, as I’ve briefly mentioned before. Her and her family have been going to Estes Park for her whole life, and I remember her talking about how much fun it was as a kid, then how beautiful it was as she got older. She didn’t lie, and I could kick myself for not taking more pictures :(11892220_10153555527352485_2146485962969157048_n

My last day at the company I was employed with was on Saturday (I worked in retail management- NOT what I went to school for, but my after 5 months of job searching early last year, I realized that I couldn’t be that picky here in West Texas). Yes, it was a paycheck (you actually have to have a Bachelor’s degree to have a management position within the company) and experience to put on my resume. However, going through IVF and working full-time at a job where you literally do not sit down unless you’re on conference call just didn’t seem very wise. Plus, holiday season will be approaching us in a matter of weeks, huge updates will be taking place meaning overnight shifts, and everything is blacked out until January so no PTO could be taken. Not to mention the stress from asshole customers on top of being overly hormonal…It seems like I’m justifying my decision and perhaps I am in a way. I don’t want to be frowned upon and thought of as being lazy or criticized for being a stay-at-home wife for a while. I feel bad having my husband be the sole financial provider for the time being. But we both want to grow our family more than anything, and we want to look back knowing we did everything possible to reduce stress and not ever wonder “what if”.


Saying hi to hubby…Yes, this is work attire ;)

Moving on…Tyler comes home from the field today! He has only been for 3 weeks but this one dragged complete ass, although I quickly became Wrigley’s favorite again so he better continue knowing who’s boss when his daddy gets home. Tyler has a four day weekend so we’re hoping to see a few movies that are out and a I have a little list of errands we need to run together, haha. Hopefully he’s home for the rest of the year!

Tyler will be having surgery on his shoulder on October 29. He has a labrum tear that happened like two years ago (yeah I know…), but he didn’t know how bad it was. When he unexpected deployed, he obviously didn’t have it looked at and once he did when he got home they had him do a few months of physical therapy which was a joke. Hopefully everything goes well! I’ll be playing Nurse Kim for a while which should be interesting ;)

That’s about it! I started acupuncture yesterday so that’s exciting. I dozed off while listening to rainfall meditation music which was quite relaxing until something in the room made a noise and I seriously think I jumped three feet in the air. I plan on really deep cleaning the house and organizing/getting rid of old shit over the next several weeks, trying and creating new recipes to add to our rotation, taking Wrigley on daily walks, and investing time into learning about and using the camera we for Christmas. I know I’ll have no trouble filling up my days, but I like having a routine, so it may take a couple of weeks to get into the swing of things :)

Hope everyone has a great week!



Everybody Hurts….Sometimes

I’ve had bouts of depression and anxiety since high school (maybe longer, but it was at that time that I realized that something wasn’t right). There, I said it. Now I don’t want to act like it’s been absolutely horrible because that’s certainly not the case, but it’s affected me and probably some relationships in my life at some point (and perhaps, still is). Before I go any further, I want to say that I’m obviously no psychologist or therapist, but I’ve seen a handful over the past fifteen years or so. I’ve truly analyzed their perspectives and have taken what they’ve said into consideration. This post is obviously about our path of loss and infertility and how it can be linked with depression and anxiety. However,  it can be related to other difficult situations we may encounter throughout our lives.

****If your depression ever gets too deep and you have thoughts of suicide, PLEASE get help. One such number is 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

We found out about the miscarriage on September 10, 2015. I mentioned many times before that I numbed myself from the pain for many months and used school, working out, and taking on DIY projects and crafts to keep myself busy. Sure, I had days where I didn’t want to get out of bed or times when I cried in the shower, but I made myself switch gears to the “not feeling” mode. It was when we learned that Tyler was going to be deployed within a matter of two weeks in July 2014 that I broke down inside.

I blogged here and there throughout his deployment about military life and gave updates on how my testing and cycles were going. I did open up in some of the posts, but I didn’t discuss how I was really feeling. You see, I’m an open book when it comes to many things in life, but I have trouble talking about my own feelings and feel as though it’s too personal for me. I also don’t like attention, so I tried telling myself that everything was okay. It wasn’t.

While I never had thoughts of hurting myself or suicide (and thankfully, I never have), I was in a really dark place. I finally allowed myself to feel everything I was holding within. And it wasn’t good.

  • The anger about the miscarriage. I was flat out pissed off that our joy was stolen from us out of nowhere. We heard the baby’s heartbeat twice, and I grew connected to him/her which later on I felt so absolutely foolish about.


  • The frustration of time. We had been trying again for 8 months before Tyler deployed. So many people told me that women are more fertile after a miscarriage and/or D&C. Well, what the fuck was wrong with me? Then, my husband leaves for 9 months to a war-zone. Nine months is the length of a school year. The duration of a pregnancy. I was frustrated because we were at a standstill, and my anxiety was sky high as I was worried every day for Tyler’s safety. I thought it was cruel of the universe to have us endure the miscarriage, trouble trying to conceive again, then allow a deployment.


  • I didn’t feel strong AT ALL. I’d hear it all the time. “You’re so strong” or “How do you do it?” or “I’d never be able to do it”. Ironically, that year was probably the weakest I had ever been in my entire life. More tears were shed, more alcoholic beverages were consumed (this does NOT help depression and anxiety at all, I know that), and more emotions took over me than ever before. However, I hid it. I was fine at work (in fact, probably more than fine)- I put a smile on my face, did what I had to do, and learned a lot, but behind closed doors in my own home was another story.


  • Resentfulness. Once my emotions were unleashed and my misery surfaced, I felt resentful towards family and friends that seemed like they didn’t care. Some may say this is selfish, but when you quickly do a downward spiral, you aren’t thinking very clearly or logically. I mean, I knew the whole world wasn’t going to come to a complete halt because Kim felt sad- I’m not an idiot. And if anyone asked how I was doing, you better believe 9 times out of 10 I said okay or good, so how the hell would anyone even know? My mom, aunt, and best friend knew, but they know me. Often times when you over analyze things too much, you create problems that weren’t even there to begin with. Perhaps this is what I did, but I remember thinking, “What is the point of having relationships if people aren’t there in time of need? Losing the baby, month after month of trying and tests, and now husband is across the world and I’m alone in Texas”. Dramatic, I know ;) But it’s how I felt, and I’m not going to be ashamed about it anymore.


  • Jealousy. It is one of the ugliest feelings, yet I felt it often. When I first started working at my job, I’d feel it all the time as children are around a lot. I’d look at their parents and think, “Are you fucking kidding me? How did these dopes get blessed with a kid and we can’t?”. I’m not sure how it happened, but a few months before Tyler got home, I suddenly stopped being jealous and simply thought about how damn cute (or annoying) they were. Social media is another monster in itself. Some people don’t see the big hairy deal about social media and why people get all bent about it. If you’re one of those people, good for you. But back then, I’d think, “This isn’t Facebook- this is freaking Babybook”.

Pregnancy and birth announcements flooded my feed. Before I go any further, let me get one thing clear: Although these announcements put me in tears (or a sob fest depending on how stable I was that day), I was always, and always will be, genuinely happy for the couple. I may have not been doing well myself, but I’d never wish ill upon others. I truly believe that many people are naive to how seeing the announcements (or statuses bitching about pregnancy all the time. It’s one thing to vent once in a while, and believe me- I want to hear about experiences in late pregnancy. Or holding their belly in every.single it’s like women thing it’s going to fall off or something for Pete’s sake) can be a trigger. If one has only experienced falling pregnant easily and have a happy, healthy pregnancy, they don’t know any better!

The point is, I felt all of these things while wishing away my days so I could just feel my husband in my arms again. Women’s belly’s and families were growing while my goal was to just try to function like a normal human being in public. I told my doctor about how I was feeling in the midst of it all, and she prescribed me the lowest dose of Zoloft. I took it for a couple of months, but I didn’t really feel any differently and didn’t want to increase my dosage (don’t ask me why).

After my husband returned and we took a trip home, I called Military One Source to get in touch with a therapist in the area. Military One Source offers support to the military community, and one of the benefits they offer is counseling for pretty much anything! I knew that I still wasn’t myself and I realized that while being back in the Midwest. I was connected with a lady here in Texas and did six sessions (you get 12 for free for each circumstance. I also did 12 sessions when we first moved here). Honestly, it was hard with my work schedule and her schedule to fit in sessions, but as I mentioned earlier in this post, this lady opened my eyes to why I feel or act certain ways.

I’ve also learned that instead of trying to fight the situations in life that you can’t control- you MUST come to peace with them. You cannot control other people’s action’s, but you can certainly control how you react to them. This concept is obviously way easier said that done, haha. I’ve had my fair share of outbursts, but I’m getting better at accepting the person or the situation at it is. It’s a work in progress ;)


Estes Park. So thankful my BFF asked me to join her on this trip.

One more thing I should mention- I was never very religious which you can read about HERE. I started really thinking about religion in June, and it wasn’t until I went to Colorado with my best friend in August that I started opening my heart up to it more. I don’t have to be super religious and go to church every Sunday to have faith. I know some people that are like that but are actually complete turds in real life. We see that type of shit on the news as well. I’m not going to discuss now as there will be another post about this topic, but it’s something I wanted to touch on briefly as it’s also slowly helped bring me a sense of peace. And I don’t get annoyed anymore when people say that they’re praying for us. Instead, I truly believe it and appreciate the fact that they care so much about us to do so (my hubby’s view on religion is the same though! haha).

This post was hard for me to write as it took me back to some dark days and disagreements I had with others. Depression and anxiety can be so incredibly consuming, no matter how good you think you’re hiding it. A smile only goes so far, and those that know you best or are closest to you will recognize that behind it are tears…Know that it’s okay to feel the way you do, but remember- you have to help yourself instead of solely relying on others to help you :)

Why I can’t Keep My Mouth Shut

Throughout the past two years, I’ve been asked a couple of times (honestly I think it’s like twice, haha) why I blog which was mostly pertaining to infertility stuff. As I mentioned before, I didn’t really know what the heck I was doing when I started blogging, and honestly, I still absolutely suck at the technical side of it all (if anyone wants to help, PLEASE  let me know. I don’t know how to change anything! We’ll be best friends ;) jk). When I got pregnant, I thought, “Alright, cool. I’m going to document this so family and friends across the country and world can kind of watch it all”. When things didn’t go as planned, I didn’t know what to do with myself, the blog- pretty much anything. I was at a standstill, and quite frankly, I was embarrassed and ashamed that we had announced our pregnancy when we did at 10 weeks (four weeks later we found out we lost the baby at a routine ultrasound).

Since our Facebook friends and family knew about us expecting, I was afraid that we’d be asked how I/the baby was doing and I knew it would be weird to some as to why I hadn’t given any updates or posted any photos (I’m sure I have a lot of creepers, haha). I mean, people would probably eventually realize why, but I’ve learned that there are a lot of dumb asses in the world so you never know ;) We decided that I’d write a Facebook status just giving a general idea of our loss. And you know what? The out pour of support I got was amazing. Instead of crying tears of sorrow, I cried because I felt less alone and cared for, by many of whom weren’t even “friends” or family!

Those texts, phone calls, and messages were huge contributors as to why I didn’t do a complete nose dive. People (even a few guys!) that I hadn’t talked to in years sent well wishes, and many shared their stories about their personal losses as well. They made me realize just how many of us suffer from miscarriages or infertility but keep it to themselves. That is totally okay, but I’d go freaking crazy. Perhaps part of the reason why is because we’re here in Texas and I’m nowhere near my close family and friends, so besides Tyler and our dogs, I don’t have anyone. But there’s another explanation….

I kept a diary in elementary school. It went a little like this:

“Dear Diary,

Today I wore bright purple shorts, and white shirt, and a flowered vest. I slicked my hair back (a girl asked me one time if I used cement to push it back, but nope, it was just a shit ton of hair spray) and wore white shoes. I got my braces tightened yesterday and my teeth really hurt. My friends and I didn’t fight today, and [insert the boy I liked that week here] didn’t talk to me AT ALL. BOO :( Maybe tomorrow will be my lucky day! After school I did my homework, played outside, ate spaghetti, and watched Mrs. Doubtfire with my brother tonight.

Talk to you tomorrow!

Love, Kim”

I actually have them all and they’re hilarious to read. Then, In 7th/8th grade, I started to keep a journal. It was pretty much a diary with poems scattered throughout. I was pretty effing deep as a 13 year old ;) This continued on until the middle/end of my junior year when I stopped completely, but resumed after I graduated high school (my lost or floundering years, haha).

You see, I’ve always loved to write as I like to express my feelings and my truths. Blogging became an outlet to do so. I must mention, I tried keeping another handwritten journal about a year ago which lasted a whole two days as typing is a billion times faster and my hand got super tired :(

So this is my objective throughout our journey- I hope to become more actively involved in the infertility community. I hope my posts reach those that are struggling, have experienced a loss, or that know someone who is. I’m sure that it has to be difficult and awkward to watch your daughter, sister, friend- whatever- be on a roller coaster of emotions. I want to go beyond the blog, whether it’s in other virtual communities or in my own here in Texas. Infertility and loss is hard enough in itself, but being a military spouse can sometimes add a few more obstacles to it (I’ll be writing more about this soon). My intentions of blogging may be selfish as I want to express my feelings while taking note of what’s up throughout our journey, but I also truly want to give back. There are people out there that knows what it feels like- you are not alone.

So peeps, THAT is why I can’t keep my mouth shut :)


That’s what we got to say about that ;)


Behind The Scenes

A few days ago, THIS article popped up on my Newsfeed on Facebook. It was posted on one of the many infertility groups that I’m a member of (not necessarily active- it’s nice to feel less alone), and intrigued me so I clicked on it. Please- read this article. I know that everyone goes through difficult times in life whether it be an illness, death, divorce, job loss, depression, or just a sudden crisis. However, this post not only greatly illustrates what a hidden subject infertility is, but how couples often mask the roller-coaster emotions of sadness, hope and despair, and heartache.

This post is opening up some [mended] wounds, but it’s something I wanted to share. It’s been two years since our loss, and though we’ve gotten some answers and a plan set in place, our dreams still are not fulfilled. I’ve put together some photos or thoughts of things we have gone though.


El Paso Zoo. August 30, 2013.

The photo above is when I was 12/13 weeks pregnant. Obviously my tata’s liked the pregnancy hormones a lot (I went up an entire cup size in a matter of weeks)…Anyways, Tyler planned a date day and took us to the zoo and then to Babies R Us where we started our registry. He was leaving for the field in a few weeks and wouldn’t be back until mid November, so starting it together was important to us. Looking back, it was such a fun and satisfying day, but after we found out about our loss, I couldn’t look at these photos as I knew we had lost the baby around this time or a couple of days prior.



September 2013.

Tyler LOVES the Chicago Bears. We don’t get all of the games down here in Texas, so Tyler bought me a Bears shirt (Amazon!) and we’d go to Pizza Hut down the road to watch. Two days after this photo was taken, we’d find out that we’d miscarried. Every Sunday after that, I’d order a beer while I did my homework and tried to smile and root for our home team.


On Tuesday, September 10, 2013, TJ and I headed over the the Mendoza Clinic on East Bliss to get an ultrasound done (separately- he had to go to work after) . You can read about our story HERE. What I didn’t write about is how I only told my mom (and asked her to tell the family) and my best friend what had happened. That Tyler got off his work day to come home with me, and that I laid in bed next to him for 18 hours going through intervals of crying and sleeping in his arms. That I woke up the next morning pissed off and insisted he went to work as I went to class. I wore a Chicago Cubs baseball hat and my glasses the next couple of weeks to help disguise my puffy eyes.

601526_10102861679573128_83870456_nI took the photo above on my way to class one day a few weeks after. It was a crisp Fall day which isn’t very common in West Texas, but the view was absolutely beautiful. It was then that I promised myself that I wouldn’t allow myself fall into the deep hole of depression that I had one foot wallowing in…and that I might be an old graduate, but I was gonna rock the fuck out of the last semester. And I did… but perhaps it was for the wrong reasons.


 1240234_10102846395662208_1893510720_nThe photo above shows me happily cuddling with Wrigley and potentially studying. I posted this five days after we received the news (no one knew publicly yet) and I still had not had a D&C (it would take another week and a half- ridiculous). I’d come home from class, do any homework, essays, or study, then shower and change and lay in bed the rest of the night. Wriggles must’ve sensed my sadness as he laid with me all the time.



My beautiful mom and me :)

December 2013. Tyler and I went home to Indiana for 10 days for Christmas. Based on my OPK’s, I was ovulating a few days before we left (which ended up being a freaking joke as my blood tests showed I had not ovulated but my LH surged enough to cause positive tests). You need to get at it before ovulation because once you drop an egg, you’re dunzo for the month. Long story short, I ended up having a 30 day cycle and starting my period on Christmas Day. With his family. And I just wanted to lay in bed all day, but I had to act strong- like everything was normal. The only thing that brought me comfort was staying at my moms, which isn’t a great thing when you’re married & visiting family. I told Tyler earlier that month that the only thing I wanted for Christmas was a baby…

Two weeks later, while blowing out my birthday candles, I made the same wish. Neither came true.


 May 2015. Tyler and I went home for 7 days a month after he came back from Afghanistan. I had gone home in October and January for long weekends when he was deployed, but he had not seen his family since Christmas 2013.  I mentioned multiple times for him to go home solo, but he wouldn’t budge and insisted on me going with. This was a huge mistake, and the moment we stepped foot onto Midway airport when we were flying back to Texas was when I vowed to myself that I’d go with my gut from that day forth.


My mom’s place and my uncle and aunt’s home are where I find true comfort and belonging.

You see, a few months prior, my dad and his girlfriend planned to throw a little party for him and his safe arrival home. They even contacted my mom to be a part of the planning, and they both worked together to iron out the details of food preparations, decorations, and inviting family and friends from both of their sides. We didn’t have a wedding, so this was BIG for me. Many family members had not met Tyler before, and a few even traveled 3 hours just to attend! However, I was full of anxiety the whole morning while getting ready and going to my dads.

It didn’t help that I was on Femara that month, but I had gotten my period the night before- and it was FULL on. Come to find out, my progesterone was the highest ever recorded thus far, so no wonder why I was a ball of hormones the whole week we were home to visit.

So, I ended up getting pretty drunk. I was stressed and upset and wanted to let go that day. Doing that the night before an early morning flight wasn’t very smart, but lesson learned :(  Anyways, I asked Tyler to come back after he visited family again….but this was not well received upon some, and I may be deemed selfish. There aren’t any photos of us together during this trip home which is pretty sad. Things may not be what they used to be, but we pushed through it together.


11811332_10105336307683558_3626875895279024983_nSecond failed round of Femara above. I cried and showered, then got ready. We had the day off together and went to the movies, Blockbuster (get used DVDs and BluRays for cheap!), and lunch, then went home to have wine and make dinner together. I laid in bed that night laughing, joking, and watching movies with my Big, but thoughts of when we’d hold a baby in our arms still entered my mind.


You see, there is more to life than what is shared on a Facebook status, Tweet, or Instagram photo. We post statuses that portray how awesome our lives are or pictures that show happy times or when we think we look good. I’m by no means saying we should all start airing out our dirty laundry. I don’t want to read negative shit all of the time, but I want people to just be freaking real.  I’d get sucked into such a failure mode sometimes that I’d ask Tyler if it upsets him that his exes and friends all have a kid(s). His answer is always the same….Never- and I’m his baby mama that he was destined to be with, and he didn’t choose them for a reason ;)

So please, be gentle and kind to people, especially if they have opened up about their struggles. There are always two sides to every story or picture. If you’re reading this and feel lost- message me. One of the many things I’ve learned is how important and comforting it is to have someone to talk to when you’re feeling down. I won’t have all of the answers, but I’ll certainly try to make you smile :)

Changes on the Blog

Over the past several months, I’ve debated whether or not I should shut my site down all together or continue on. I’ve been super sporadic, pretty much only posting fertility updates (or perhaps I should be calling them infertility updates? Whatever- you know what I mean!). After spending some time thinking about what I want out of my life, I decided to keep on…and go further :)

When I first started blogging, I thought that my blog needed a niche. It overwhelmed and discouraged me as I truly didn’t feel that I fit in anywhere. I wasn’t a healthy lifestyle blogger despite eating and creating healthy meals for my husband and I and exercising. I wasn’t a fashion blogger because I like the sale/clearance rack and get more excited about cute work out clothes (although a few good pairs of nice fitting jeans are a must. And I love shoes!). I wasn’t a mommy blogger because I’m not a mom.

Writing about the miscarriage was therapeutic for me. Months of trying to conceive turned into two years (with a deployment thrown in there). THAT became what I was passionate about- being a military wife trying to overcome infertility, molding a career for myself in a border city, and dealing with a deployment.


Cheers to this :)

I realized that I don’t need a niche. I’m not doing this for anyone but myself, although connecting with many amazing women along the way has been awesome! Friendships have been created or resurfaced because of this little space of mine, and it honestly got me through one of the darkest times of my life.

So here’s my plan.

  • I’ve been asked on several occasions for recipes for photos that I’ve posted of meals (or smoothies!) that I’ve made. I will be posting a healthy recipe of some sort once a week.
  • I plan on discussing something that I either come across online or that I’m going through with infertility or IVF once a week. I want to share knowledge that I’ve gained because I know how shitty it can be, especially if you’re at a military installation that doesn’t have great treatment in this department.
  • This is more for me, but I want to give a recap of our week or weekend to look back on. I have a 3 year gratitude book where you have a few lines to scribble a few sentences about your day. I don’t know how the eff this is so hard for me to do, but I tend to do it once a week at most and end up scratching my head about what the hell happened that day. I think a quick weekly post about this will help in that department :)


I also want to share some of my DIY projects, crafts, or inexpensive small renovations, but I’m not planning on dedicated weekly posts to this. However, I have a few cute things I’ve done and I’m definitely going to let you in on them!

Great quote, but my dreams have been redonk lately and about dinosaurs- not about hope. WTF :/

This change will take place over the next few weeks, so it won’t be sudden :) Another thing- I tend to have a bad mouth and write as I would speak. This can be a good and bad thing. I try to find a happy medium between the two- I don’t want to deny who I am and try to act all proper, but then again I don’t want to sound like a white trash sailor.

I hope the rest of the week treats you all well. Luckily, I’m off tonight (although tomorrow night at work may be a beast), and I’m looking forward to some Monday night football and homemade cheeseburgers grilled my hubby (93% lean grass-fed, no antibiotic/hormone) and baked sweet potato fries and green beans compliments of moi ;) He leaves again tomorrow which sucks a huge one :( Have a great night!


First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes….IVF ????

Well, after a meeting with our GYN here back in June, then having two consultations with different Reproductive Endocrinologists in the Phoenix area, we have ultimately decided to move forward and plan on doing IVF (in vitro fertilization). We will also be doing ICSI (intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection) and more than likely PGS (preimplantation genetic screening) with it. I’ll briefly explain what are three procedures are, then answer a few questions that I have been asked.

IVF- Basically, it’s the process of taking the women’s eggs that she produces out of her body with a long needle and putting them into a lab dish with sperm in hopes that they will combine, then transferring an embryo (or embryos) back into a woman’s body. Now it’s much more complicated that that, haha. There are various protocols for different doctors, but a women is typically on birth control from 2-3 weeks to shut down her ovaries and control her cycle. A few days after the last pill is taken, she should have menstrual cycle (I was told it could be very light), and then monitoring via ultrasound and blood work begins as she starts on medication. Injections are then added to the mix to help produce lots of eggs.  The woman is usually put under during the retrieval of the eggs.

You can either do a fresh or frozen cycle. If it’s fresh, the embryos are put back inside 3-5 days after the retrieval. If it’s frozen, you don’t do the transfer until the following cycle. I’ve heard that more and more doctor’s are doing frozen cycles as they are more successful overall (this is what both of the RE’s we spoke with do), but there’s obvious success with both. The woman is NOT put out during the transfer, but is supposed to take it easy for a few days (and sometimes even be on bed rest) in hopes that implantation will occur.

ICSI- ICSI is simply used in combination with IVF. The meds and montoring are done the same way, but after the retrieval, the embryologist actually directly injects a sperm into an egg instead of just hoping they will combine in the lab dish. This is more effective when you have a male factor involved (as we do) or if the woman does not produce many eggs. Yes, it costs extra, but it’s obviously worth it!

PGS- This is a screening that is sometimes controversial.One or more cells are removed from each embryo to check for any chromosomal abnormalities. When an embryo has a chromosomal abnormality, there is a high chance that it will not implant; thus, the IVF cycle will obviously fail. However, it if does implant, it will often times lead to miscarriage. There’s the whole debate between people on how embryos are already considered a form of life and shouldn’t be messed with. I’m not here to discuss this issue. At first I didn’t think twice about this screening as it’s pretty pricey (about $3,000-$5,000 extra on top of the IVF/ICSI), but Tyler was all for it as it will decrease our risk of miscarriage and increase our chances of a live birth. Only embryos that pass the screening will be transferred back into me.


Had to insert this little prom pose photo from the ball in July to break up the text, haha.

Hopefully that makes things a bit more understandable about the process :) You can read about why we chose to go the IVF route HERE.

I’ll save our tentative plan for next time, but here’s a few questions that I’ve been asked lately:


Does your insurance cover it? No, Tricare does not cover IUI or IVF. Basically, anything that is not being done in conjunction with timed intercourse isn’t covered. However, there are a few military bases across the country that do these procedures at a discounted rate. The closest one to us is in San Antonio, and I was actually referred there by my GYN but was denied as they were not accepting new patients then. There are a few reasons why we chose not to go to a military hospital that offers treatment. First of all, you have to be there for about 3 weeks total. That’s a long ass time and you obviously have to pay for travel and lodging expenses. Tyler wouldn’t need to be there the whole time with me, but still. Secondly, each hospital does the IVF in clusters and they only do the cycles 3-4 times a year. I understand the concept to it, but what the hell. Also, they do fresh cycles and do not do the PGS. So there’s that :)

Hopefully this is true :)

Where will you be doing this? I spent weeks researching RE’s in the Southwest cities that are within driving distance from El Paso and Fort Huachuca, AZ- Albuquerque, Tuscan, and Phoenix. I looked into Colorado Springs, but that’s almost 12 hours from Huachuca and that would be God awful sitting in a car for that long feeling like shit on stims or sick after the retrieval. Plus, I need to be able to do this drive on my own if need be, and I ain’t driving that far ;) After viewing websites and reviews, I found a few doctor’s in Phoenix that caught my eye and narrowed it down to two. The facility we are doing this at is in Gilbert, AZ- and the ironic part is that the building is literally right next door to the apartments I lived in back in 2008/2009. Like I could see my old balcony from the office, haha.

We dropped off our medical records before we met with another RE in early August and were both highly impressed with the facility, New Direction Fertility. After a mix-up about a phone consultation two weeks ago, we were able to rescheduled for last Friday night. Tyler and I spoke with the doctor on speaker phone, and he answered everything thoroughly and then some. This doctor was the only one that found that I have elevated AMH levels which is a sign of PCOS. I have been told for almost two years that I don’t have PCOS (no multiple cysts, no facial hair, high testosterone levels, not overweight, not resistant to insulin), but elevated AMH levels can make it more difficult to conceive. My AMH was 7.62ng/ML, so while it’s nothing out of this world, it’s not within normal range for my age.

The doc also seems to work well with out-of-state patients making it as easy as possible. IVF is a very time consuming, emotional and physically challenging procedure, so anything that will help me understand and relax is appreciated. Him and his wife suffered from infertility and they now have two sets of twins from IVF which he did himself!

Why are you going straight to IVF and not going to attempt IUI first? I mentioned that in my previous post, but to be more specific, it’s due to success rates and finances. The RE we are seeing does IUI’s for a pretty good price and said he thinks we could get pregnant in 3-4 rounds of it. Key word is “thinks”. While we know that IVF is not a sure thing, the chances of success are about 70-75% (with PGS) compared to the 7% with IUI. We also had to think about traveling to Phoenix for each round and the emotional stress of it. Plus, IUI might not work and then we would proceed to IVF so we’d be paying more in the long run.

Lmao. This should be interesting as I was such a treat on Clomid :/

That’s all I’ve got for now, but please don’t hesitate to ask any questions! :) Also, I understand that everyone has their own different views and opinions not only about advanced reproductive procedures, but about our journey as well. While I’m willing to discuss it all as I know it’s a sensitive, taboo, and sometimes embarrassing or shameful topic, I just want it to be known that it’s still hard for me to wrap my mind around it all. We are more than ready for the next chapter in our lives (not just meaning pregnancy and parenthood), and I’m both scared and excited about what the next several months will hold for us :)



August 2015 Fertility Update

I’ll do a super brief update on the facts the past couple of months:

-My CD 21 (or 22/23) tests show that I ovulate on Femara! I took it in May and June and my tests came back at 29 (May) and 37 (June)- the best they have ever been! We decided to do a “natural” cycle in July, so I took a cocktail of a prental, one low dosage of baby aspirin per day, Vitex, and Fertilaid, and Pregnitude….and guess what?? My progesterone results were 22 which means I ovulated without fertility drugs (yeah, I know I was still taking herbal supplements, but still).

We did another round of Femara last cycle and my results were 22- the same as the month before with the herbal supplements. We decided to take a break again this month and go the herbal supplement route. We were told that although miracles are always possibly, we more than likely will not conceive with me on fertility meds and timed intercourse. Something is preventing implantation or conception from occurring, and instead of me dealing with the wrath of the headaches, fatigue, and mood swings of the fertility medications, it’s best we just stop.

Earlier this month, we took a day trip to Phoenix (6 hours each way = awesome) to meet with a Reproductive Endocrinologist about our situation. I’ve been under the care of the physicians at William Beaumont since moving to El Paso 3 years ago, and while I’m grateful for everything they have done (except waiting 2 weeks to get me in for a D & C- that was a crock of shit), they simply cannot help us anymore. Number one, when dealing with infertility, they simply prescribe fertility drugs and have you come in for lab work on cycle day 21 which checks your progesterone to determine whether or not you ovulated. Now this works for many women, but some women need actual monitoring with an ultrasound to check follicle size, growth, etc. They do not have the capabilities of doing that. I’ve done 5 rounds of medicated cycles total, but we have no idea about my follicle growth, count, if I’m dropping good eggs or not, etc. I’m not going to go through this any longer without more answers.


We almost ran outta gas driving to Phoenix…like the gas light was flashing and the car was in neutral. Tyler got lucky that day ;)

The HCG shot (“trigger shot”) can also be administered either with timed intercourse or IUI. They will not give me the trigger shot (which forcing ovulation) because they don’t have the capability to monitor patients with ultrasounds. You typically take oral meds or injections to help develop eggs and cause a super ovulation and you are monitored with a vaginal ultrasound each day until you are ready to ovulate. Then you give yourself the HCG shot and either have timed intercourse or go in the next day for an IUI.

Back to our visit with Dr. Moffitt from Phoenix- he reviewed everything and asked us several questions. Then he gave us three routes:

1.) Try two more rounds of Femara (if you don’t conceive within 4-6 rounds of oral fertility meds, it is unlikely that you will conceive with more rounds)

2.) IUI….but based on our conditions, our chances of conceiving this way is 7%. That isn’t good, especially since it’s about $1,000 per cycle.

3.) IVF with ICSI. This is the most invasive (and costly) procedure regarding fertility treatments- but also very successful.


I took a little vacation to Colorado with my best friend earlier this month- the most beautiful and peaceful place ever!

I have been talking with another RE out of Phoenix via email the past week and have a phone consultation with him tomorrow. His recommendation was to try IUI. He said he believes we could get pregnant within 3 cycles of it….and he also thinks that I have PCOS given my elevated AMH levels. However, my GYN here, nor Dr. Moffitt, even mentioned anything about my AMH levels- I was told that everything looked good from my cycle day 3 labwork I had done earlier this year. I will dig more into this tomorrow during my consult, but for now, Tyler and I are still leaning towards the IVF route.


I’m sometimes asked why we need to take out the big guns with fertility treatments because I’ve gotten pregnant before. Based on all of my lab work and extremely low progesterone levels when I’m not on any medication or supplements during the past two years, I was told it was a fluke that we got pregnant before….I guess perhaps a miracle? Reproduction is a science- everything has to line up perfectly in order to conceive. Shit just ain’t lining up for us anymore ;)

TJ and I have been talking the past few days about everything and have a tentative plan in order. This is big- financially, emotionally, and physically, so we want to be prepared the best we can and try to reduce as much stress as possible. I will give another update after my phone consultation and things will be more concrete then. I highly suggest getting more than one professional opinion when dealing with fertility issues. It is overwhelming and confusing, but it’s great to know your options and get different perspectives from doctors.

I’ll check back in soon!


Day date with my Big :)

June 2015 Fertility & TTC Update

It’s been quite a while since I’ve done an fertility update…or any sort of post for that matter. I’ll be honest- since Tyler got home two months ago, I have really had no desire to blog. With working 40+ hours a week, my free time has been devoted to normal day-to-day activities and spending time with him. It’s been nice to kinda just live in the moment, and quite frankly, I really don’t have much to say at this point in my life, haha. Sure, I could document our meals and work outs and recap our days/dates, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon ;) For now, I’m just going to give an update on what’s been going on with this whole trying for a baby thing.

First of all, I started taking 5mg of Femara (Letrozole) late April (my cycle actually started the day before Tyler got home, haha. Talk about sucky timing, but it enabled us to start fertility meds quite quickly! I had VERY little side effects compared to Clomid. This time, I only experienced extreme fatique and headaches while on it from cycle days 5-9. I also had a lot of bloating around ovulation and while that was uncomfortable, it wasn’t unbearable by any means. I used OPKs and got a positive around cycle day 15….AND my Day 21 labs showed that my progesterone was 29- the highest it’s EVER been!!!! I seriously listened to my doctor’s voice mail on repeat and cried a little, haha. Unfortunately, we didn’t conceive.

This past cycle we did the same protocol with Femara. My OPKs were positive on cycle day 15 and my Day 21 labs were even better- 37!!!!! Unfortunately, it didn’t work again, but I’m happy with how my body has responded with this medicine.

We got some unfortunate news a couple of weeks ago regarding Tyler’s sperm analysis results. It showed a significant decrease in sperm count (10 million/ml), mobility (40%) and shape (8%). I had an appointment with our doctor a few days ago, and she put in a referral for Tyler to see a Urologist and requested for another analysis to be done. We have a follow up appointment in 3 weeks to go over what the Urologist says after an examination and to compare the two test results. However, she said if the second test did not show an increase, she would higher recommend in-vitro fertilization (IVF). This came as a huge surprise to be as I was adamant that she was going to say IUI. I will make a post about the differences between IVF and IUI within a military setting (somewhat different that a civilian setting) and the pro’s and cons of each, but right now, we are just trying to wrap our minds around this new information. IVF is quite expensive, but it is much more successful that IUI. It is also much more invasive and harder on the woman’s body that IUI, but then again, more successful.

We are researching IVF and talking about our options in case this is the route we decide to go. The military hospitals do IVF in cycles- there is one currently going on now and the next cycle should be in September/October….so our doctor said we could potentially get things going quite quickly. We will see what we find out over the next few weeks. In the meantime, I will not be doing another round of Femara this cycle (doc said it would be pointless) so it’ll be interesting to see if my body ovulates on it’s own. I’ll continue to take Pregnitude, a prenatal vitamin, and will be taking Vitex as well. I ordered TJ Fertilaid and Motility boost off Amazon (doctor suggested this although I had already bought it prior to our appointment), so we shall see if that helps.


We are celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary next weekend, and I can’t wait! Though things may not have been picture perfect compared to some marriages with this whole trying to conceive thing and the deployment, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Have a great weekend :)

How I’m Naturally Trying to Regulate My Cycles & Boost Ovulation

When we got news that Tyler was deploying, we agreed that I would keep monitoring my progesterone levels each month, but I would not use ovulation tests and partake in temping. It became too stressful to constantly use OPKs, only to get a negative pregnancy test month after month. There was no point in me keeping track of this stuff on my own.

It was honestly a relief to just be free for a while as those little strips would sometimes have an impact on my mindset or mood. However, I’ve researched the crap out of conceiving via the “natural route” (herbal remedies, acupuncture, etc.) and Western medicine. There is no discrimination on our end- we are for them both. However, TJ and I both agreed that trying to prepare my body for conception a few months before he got home was a proactive measure. Out of the nearly 10 months Tyler was gone, there were only two months where my progesterone was above 5 (September was around 6 and October was around 7). Every other month my body just simply wasn’t ovulating, and it’s impossible to conceive without ovulation. Side note: some women do not ovulate every single cycle- that’s not abnormal. It becomes abnormal when it happens repeatedly.


Fertilaid, 81mg of baby aspirin, Pregnitude, folic acid, Vitex, and fertility tea. I don’t use these all at the same time!

I continued taking a prenatal vitamin after Tyler left, but I switched to every other day with a woman’s multivitamin in between. I didn’t want to waste the multivitamins, so that was the main force behind that decision, haha. The prenatal vitamins I use are from my OBGYN and I pick them up from the pharmacy on post. That and the folic acid tablet, which I take when we are activity TTC, are both free with Tricare!

I also heard about Pregnitude. It’s a little pricey, but we’re all for investing money in trying to have a baby. I’ll be honest- I didn’t take two packets a day as the directions showed- I only did one. However, the months I did this, my progesterone was higher (see above)! I don’t know if it was the Pregnitude or just a coincidence, but I stopped taking it after October and my progesterone was never above 2 after that. Perhaps I should’ve kept on taking the supplement, but I didn’t see the point as Tyler would still be gone for many months so it felt like a waste of money.

After reading numerous articles about it online, ordered Vitex via Amazon a few months ago. You can read about it HERE. One of the benefits of it is that it is supposed to help naturally regulate your cycle which is what I need. The capsules are like freaking horse pills and look like dirt is inside of it. I got one caught in my thought and it tasted like I just ate a block of wood😐  Aside from that, my cycle from March-April was 33 days long! Keep in mind that I took Vitex and Pregnitude. My progesterone on CD 21 was still less than 2 though, so while it shortened my cycle, I didn’t ovulate which is our ultimate goal. However, even if/when I ovulate, who knows if the egg quality will be good. A RE would be able to do tests and relay this information to us.

Fertilaid is another supplement that is supposed to help balance out female hormones which helps aid in conception. I only took this a few times so I can’t give my opinion about it yet. I also ordered Fertilaid for Men for Tyler. Some men might get all butt hurt about taking a supplement, but he was all for it (as long as it was all natural- can’t take your chances of pissing hot while in the military unless you’re a dummy). He stopped taking it once I “thought” I may have ovulated as this shit isn’t cheap. I say thought because I don’t trust OPK’s 100% based on past cycles with getting positive tests, yet NOT ovulating based on my progesterone results or getting good readings but not getting knocked up. Then there was that month when I got like 10 straight days of positive tests, haha. ;) Anyways, Tyler will get his seman analysis done early cycle. My doctor told us to hold off and enjoy ourselves this first month. His last analysis about a year and a half ago came back normal, but they like to test every 12 months when TTC (although we weren’t active much of this time) and after a deployment as you are pumped with various vaccinations.

Moontime, the organic fertility tea, is actually super good! It has a slight minty taste to it, and I’ve enjoyed it in the morning and evening. I’ve also been sipping on hot Green tea and adding the Pregnitude to it.

As I mentioned before, we are trying medicated cycles now (first round of Femara at 5mg…but I’m pretty sure this cycle was another bust). However, I hope the supplements have been helping my body prepare for conception in the near future. I had a vaginal ultrasound done last month on like CD 28 and the lady said my lining was thin and I should expect a period in about two weeks…but my period started 3 days later. So yeah. I’m wanting to thicken my uterine lining as that plays a huge role in implantation. I honestly don’t think we will even try Clomid again as one of the side effects is thinning of the lining. I’ll have freaking nothing left, haha!


Needed a selfie to break up the text ;)


Alright, I’m off to watch a movie with Tyler and our boys. Hope you all have a great week!

*Have you or someone you know ever tried natural fertility supplements?

*Do you know of anything else that I didn’t mention?




Military Spouse Appreciation Day

Today is Friday and I’m off- woo! I’m looking forward to spending the day with Tyler. I’m in charge of planning what we’re doing this morning and he’s in charge of the afternoon, so we shall see how this turns out :) I have to admit- I got a bit nervous about him coming home and thinking about if things changed between us, if he changed, etc. The whole period of being reunited and getting settled back into everyday life is called reintegration, and I read blogs and articles about how it can be a struggle. I may write more about this at a later time, but things have actually been the same around here, if not better :)

Anyways, today I’m linking up with Jen in honor or Military Spouse Appreciation Day (yes, this is a real thing, haha). I don’t even remember how I stumbled upon Jen’s blog (, but she writes about everyday life, running, and everything in between. The following questions were asked to be answered, so here we go


//Tell us about yourself and your blog.

My husband, Tyler, and I moved to El Paso (Fort Bliss) in June of 2012. I was a full time student at the time, trying to figure out this wife thing and finding my place in the world. I honestly don’t know how I got started reading blogs, but I think it was through finding healthy recipes to make for us online, haha. After a while, I realized that I don’t need a place in the world- I needed an outlet. After much encouragement from Tyler, I started Living in Bliss. At first it was to just document our time living in El Paso together… but then we got pregnant and endured a missed miscarriage at 14 weeks and I knew that this would be a great way to help me recover mentally and hopefully reach out to other women who are feeling alone and helpless. Now, I basically talk about our fertility issues and trying to conceive again, military life and deployment, crafts and DIY projects, and whatever the hell else I feel like :)


June 2012. We spent a few nights on a blow up mattress while we waited for our furniture to be delivered :)


//What branch of military are you affiliated with?

My husband is a First Lieutenant in the Army. We’ve been together over five years, but married just under three. After attending Officer Candidate School (OCS) at Fort Benning, TJ went on to BOLC at Fort Sill, Oklahoma, and he proposed in Oklahoma City in April 2012. We married in El Paso that June- no messing around ;) Long story short- Tyler enlisted in 2001, the year he graduated high school (he was actually in boot camp when 9/11 occurred). He signed up for six years, went through two tours in Iraq, lived in Italy and at Fort Campbell, and got out as a Staff Sergeant in 2007. He moved back to our hometown and we met in Februaury of 2010 (though we’re from the same town, we didn’t know each other despite having some “acquaintances” in common. T went to a different high school and is three years older than me…cradle robber!). Shortly before graduating college, he decided to go back in the army as an officer.

//What is one thing you enjoy about the military lifestyle?

This may sound odd, but I actually like the fact that we have moved away from our hometown and established a life for ourselves. Of course I miss our family and friends and it saddens me not seeing them often, but we’re always just a plane ride or phone call away. Although this is our first duty station together, I’m excited to move every few years and experience different places- not to mention all the traveling and visiting awesome places that we otherwise wouldn’t have experienced. My husband already has almost 10 years of service under his belt, so we won’t be living this life forever. I’m eager to see where we settle after he retires!


Military Ball. December 2013. Found my dress for 10 bucks at Plato’s closet and did my own make up, nails, and hair :)


//What advice would you give other spouses who are new?

I have a few words of advice. First of all, do not listen to the generalizations of enlisted vs. officer wives. There are amazing spouses and those that are assholes on both sides of the fence. Also, not every duty station is gonna be a picnic. I never in a million years thought I’d be living in El Paso, and I heard lots of bad things about it. Yes, I miss the seasons, greenery, beaches, and knowing what everyone is saying out in public (my Espanola is not perfecto, haha), but it’s not forever. Go in with an open mind wherever you go and find the good in the area. I’ll admit that I never got involved with the FRG, but I know that’s helped a lot of spouses. There are other ways to get involved though and there are services on post that help with job searching (ACS). I feel as though many spouses use frequent moves (or in my current situation, because El Paso is primarily a Spanish speaking community) as a crutch to not be able to further their education or land a job. Annoying. ;) Keep a positive mind set and don’t bitch at your husband about where you’re stationed. Go on day trips and invest time into hobbies you enjoy.



One of our many day trips. This was at White Sands in New Mexico :)


Also, deployment isn’t a matter of if, it’s a matter of when. Tyler’s last deployment was sprung upon us- he literally left within two weeks of being notified. That rocked my world as he was in a non-deployable unit, haha. My biggest piece of advice is to stay busy. We obviously don’t have children and if we did, it would have been different. Seriously- get a job, volunteer, learn something new- do whatever you can to stay busy as it’ll make time go by faster.


Lounging around watching movies in late 2012.



If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask! I hope to connect with some awesome ladies :) If you’re affiliated with the military, what is one thing you enjoy/despise about the lifestyle and what advice would you give fellow spouses or significant others?

Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend! I’ll be back next week to talk about some DIY projects, healthy recipes, and fertility stuff :)