I didn’t exactly know how to title this post, and just do so you know- when I think about this topic, I tend to be all over the place.
To begin with- I know there are so many couples that battle infertility for YEARS. I am letting you know beforehand that we cannot comprehend what you are feeling. My thoughts about what we have endured so far are based on the past year or so… and obviously my husband’s deployment has put a mad stop to everything for nine months.
Trying to conceive and getting knocked up accidentally or without trying are entirely different. I shouldn’t even have to explain why. However, this post is going to discuss how the miscarriage and the months TTC again have affected us as a couple, as well as myself.
When found out that we were pregnant on July 7, 2013, everything became a whirlwind. Tyler had JUST gotten home from NIE (field training for 6 weeks) and I was taking 4 summer classes (and had 6 left in the Fall to finish up). We had some issues with ultrasounds and blood work during the early weeks but thought we were in smooth sailing after the nine week mark past. Honestly, the thought of miscarriage was always in the back of my mind because of the early weeks.
I vividly remember looking into the mirror one day around 6 weeks asking God that if something were going to happen to please let it be early on…I know, completely irrational. I questioned myself whether or not to even say this on the blog, but that, among other things, is why I question God. I know he doesn’t answer all requests and that things could have been much, much worse, so please don’t attack me. ;) He took a shat on that request I made though. For several months after, close family and friends would say that they were praying for us. I truly appreciate this, but Tyler doesn’t believe in that stuff and I got fed up with it. Sorry, but true.
Anyways, the past fourteen months have brought Tyler and I closer together than I thought possible, but that doesn’t mean we have not had our fair share of arguments or that it hasn’t put strain on our relationship at times. I’m not going to air our dirty laundry, but I want to give some insight to let those that are struggling or have struggled know that we are not perfect.
Elephant Butte… sucked donkey! Late June, 2012.
Here’s one instance: We were sitting outside a laundry-mat waiting for our comforter to get done (I was afraid our washing machine would break if I tried shoving our king-sized comforter in it). Tyler was talking on the phone to his parents… and I heard him say the name that we’d chosen should the baby be a boy…and I seriously think steam came out of my ears I was so mad. Not even mad- angry. (note- I was asked several times by my mom about names and I told her to put a lid on it).
My reasoning behind this- can’t we a keep secret between ourselves? I wanted ONE thing to be between us- husband and wife- and it really hurt me. He was adamant on finding out the sex of the baby beforehand which I kind of wanted to refrain from doing (I definitely want to know now because of the miscarriage, but not sure if I want everyone to know), so keeping this between us was important to me. Does there really need to be more reasoning? The woman is the one who carries the darn baby!
You know what? A week later we found out that I miscarried. I cried over what happened, but remember, I didn’t have my D&C done for nearly two weeks later. I can recall replaying this awful fight in my head on my way home from class one day and actually pulled over because I couldn’t stop crying (not dramatizing this, babe). Keep in mind that “it” was still inside of me for two weeks after the news…so my hormones were off the chart.
I know people are excited when pregnancy news arises- I get it. It could have been anyone that asked this simple question and I would’ve gotten upset- not at them by any means, but at his response, haha. I think we will both be keeping one foot on the ground until we are holding a newborn in our arms…and the only important thing during those nine months is mine and the baby’s health. Moral of the story is that I may have been illogical with my reason to get upset, but shit happens and we all have to compromise….and sometimes things are too important to us that we may choose not to compromise and want to get our way, haha ;)
Our weekend getaway to Phoenix after everything. Needed a weekend away to help heal.
We argued over baby items…cribs, strollers, car seats, monitors, high chairs- pretty much everything, haha. We registered pretty early on (at 11 weeks), but did so because TJ was going back to the field for 6 weeks and by the time he’d get home, I would’ve been 5 months pregnant (and in school full-time), and we figured that our shower would be when we were able to come home at Christmas since I was due in early March.
All I’m saying about this- I’m so freaking glad that we got these discussions out of the way. Tyler’s a researcher and I’m more of a hearsay kinda person…CLASH! We’ve already purchased a few items for our future baby after we came to an agreement (yep, stroller and car seat are out of the way!).
Outside of my old apartment in Gilbert, Arizona. Tyler made me get out and pose in front of it, haha. Moving to AZ then moving home was a turning point in my life…
As far as intimacy…it became a chore for a few months. I was obsessed around November/December- charting my basal temp and using ovulation strips all the time. Those strips RULED my mood. If I was mid-cycle and the tests came back negative, I was annoyed. When they were positive, I was ecstatic. It didn’t matter though because I believe that my progesterone was probably so low during these months (I wasn’t monitored during this time), and we obviously had no positive results. People say that you’re more fertile after a miscarriage, but this is not always true. I was still crazy about my husband, but it simply isn’t the same when things are kinda forced to reach a desired goal. Those that have tried and tried again know what I mean!
His deployment came fast and unexpected. I’ll be almost 30 when TJ gets home, so I hope people stop saying “you’re so young”. Tyler is three years older than me, but I know men can have kids until they’re like effing 70 or something. He had a sperm analysis done earlier this year and everything came back normal, but he will have one again when he gets home (the test is done once a year for those trying to conceive). It’s crucial to get it done as soon as he gets home because sometimes the vaccinations that the soldiers have to get beforehand can effect their sperm.
When you hit 30, you’re considered to be old when trying to conceive a first child in the military. For real. I honestly could give a fugg because we’re probably more financially secure than 98% of the much younger crowd popping out kids, yet it still tugs at your heart once in a while. However, I make myself put things into perspective:
*I have a Bachelor’s college degree and a decent job.
*He has two Bachelor degrees and is an Officer in the Army.
*We have two awesome, fairly new vehicles paid off.
*He has NO college debt (though I have a good lump sum, haha).
This shit may be all monetary, but in all honesty, children cost money. It could potentially cost us a lot to finally have baby, so at least we will be somewhat prepared if that’s what it comes down to :) (obviously we are hoping not- hopefully my body will be so shocked when he comes home that it’ll grab ahold of a good one ;)
I we still yearn for a baby one day, I can seriously say that it feels good to just breathe again. No more frequent doctors appointments (only one visit to the lab each month) and constant testing for weeks straight. No more hoping then getting hit with disappointment…at least for a while. Our miscarriage brought Tyler and I closer together, and I know deep down that this deployment will only further strengthen our relationship.
We may not think the same way, see eye to eye on all issues, but this man is my everything. It’s okay to disagree. TTC will take your relationship to a place it’s never been before. Have date nights and don’t constantly talk about things. And remember to always keep why you fell in love with the person in the first place in mind.
*On the surface, I fell for Tyler’s perfect smile and face (sounds super weird, haha), especially in a baseball hat (I have a thing for hats people…)
*Once we started talking, I knew this guy was motivated and was going to do something with his life. HOT.
*He likes the good things in life, but he’s financially responsible. He doesn’t take hand-outs and has bought his own shit. Admirable.
*He’s honest. Sometimes too honest and I wanna kick him in his balls, but he’s always been honest with everyone.
*He doesn’t love just anyone. This guy is picky. How did I get so lucky?! Don’t answer this, haha
If you’re having issues with your marriage when you’re trying to conceive, hang in there. Though we only ventured into fertility medication, feel free to message me!
If you and your spouse struggled to conceive, did it effect your marriage at all?
Were you guys super couple and never argued at all??
To everyone- tell me your BEST marriage tip!