Update- November 2014 and Extras That are TMI

This shall be short and sweet for real- I always say this but end up rambling on :/ Highlights:

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The photos in this post have nothing to do with anything, but I went home last month and it was freaking awesome!

 

  • Met with a new OBGYN that “specializes” in fertility treatment-  This basically means that they like treating patients that have issues conceiving and have been somewhat successful helping them. My last doc was the same, but she is on maternity leave…so everyone was referred out to someone else for the time being. I had my initial appointment on Monday, October 27th. So far, I love this doctor! She’s more my pace for one- looked me in the eye, addressed all my questions, and answered everything thoroughly. AND she came up with a tentative “gameplan” for TJ and I when he gets home. Not some bullshit, we’ll wait then throw you at Clomid again. Since I’ve been and will be continued to be monitored, they will have an idea of my hormone levels for almost a year.

 

  • PAP- I’m sure no one in their right mind would ever discuss this, but I don’t give a fuck. I asked for another pap despite having one done in January. Here’s the reason why:

*My first abnormal pap was at age 19. My obgyn did a biopsy and precancerous cells were found; therefore, I was advised to get a LEEP done right away. I was mind-boggled as I had only been with one person, as well as ashamed and embarrassed. This is NOT something that is openly discussed, but it’s a huge issue in society….that’s for another blog post though. LEEP is performed which basically lasers out a layer (or layers?) of your cervix to remove the precancerous areas.

*Clear for the next couple of years.

*Late September 2008- Abnormal pap again at age 22. I was moving to Arizona a few days after getting this news which was pretty awesome. I wasn’t in school at the time and was paying for my own health insurance ($250 a month…then had to pay for the biopsy and LEEP. FML- this shit wasn’t cheap and I was making like 8 bucks an hour, haha). Anyways, I flew home early November for LEEP #2.

*Late 2009- I end everything with my ex and meet my now-husband a few months later. However, in May 2011, I get yet another abnormal pap. My doc will not do another LEEP since I’m young (25) and have no children. I’m prescribed Aldera for 12 weeks which is a suppository. The medicine makes me nauseous and very fatigued, but it worked!

***  This is why I hold my breath with each pap. I’m fucking scared. I’m in the midst of waiting for the results of my latest one, and my doctors aren’t sure what route we will go should it comes back abnormal. My cervix probably won’t be able to hold a baby full-term if I get another LEEP…so I’m assuming it’d be Aldara again or something similar.

  • Semen Analysis- Tyler has to get this done as soon as he gets home. Unfortunately, he was pumped with so many vaccinations before leaving which could affect this sperm.

 

Good news! My progesterone was at 7.11!!! Low, but highest it’s been since monitoring. So far, it seems I have months where it’s non-existent and others where it’s a little low, but higher.

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Gloomy but beautiful Fall day back in Indiana last month.

 

 

***Have you ever had an abnormal pap?

 

***If so, What approach did your doctor take?

 

 

 

Feel Good Movies

When TJ is gone for training or when I need some comfort, there are a handful of movies that I turn to. I’m not sure what it is about being brought back into your past…Perhaps it’ a time of no worries or simply good memories. I remember watching these movies sprawled out on the couch with my brother and sister or on our “bed” in front of the TV that our mom always made a bed with blankets and pillows on the floor in front of the TV for us…our dumbasses laid on this instead of the sofa, haha. She’d serve us cinnamon toast and many times, we’d fall asleep. Then I grew up and became too old for this…but that’s another story! If  didn’t have tile in this house, I sure as shit would be making “beds” in front of the television here. Anyways, here we go!

The Little Mermaid is my favorite Disney movie, and I love me some Wreck It Ralph, but these will be real human movies ;)

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Truth: I used to pose like this on our ottoman and pretend it was it was big ass honkin’ rock and sing “Part of Your World”…and also kept a fork out of the silverware drawer with me ;)

 

 

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Loved this movie. I can’t do all Disney/cartoon movies, but this one made me laugh and kept my interest the whole time.

Forrest Gump- This mofo runs does a lot of shit in his life. He’s inspiring and the sweetest thing ever. This movie is banned from our list of movies to watch together because I requested it too many times and TJ can only take so much of it. I love me some Lieutenant Dan, btw!

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Such a sweet and motivating man!

Now and Then- A favorite with my friends growing up. We all assigned each other characters, and I was deemed to be Chrissy. I should’ve been Sam due to my familial situation and outloo, but I was super naive ;) This movie is so fucking funny to reminisce on. Maybe more people should stuff their bra with balloons filled with pudding instead of $5000 worth of plastic surgery for new tatas like Teeny did.  P.S. Devon Sawa was a hottie in this movie….AND it took place in Indiana! My mom bought me a banana seat bike at a garage sale which people made fun of, but I thought it was the bomb :)

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My Girl- This movie is actually a bit complex for a girl as it deals largely with death, life, and moving forward, but I loved it growing up. I love the 1960′s/70′s era and this movie takes place during that time. I feel entirely differently about it as watching it as an adult, but remember loving the scenes in Shelly’s camper, at the fair, and Vada hanging out with Thomas J.

I wrote during my adolescent years and filled my journals with thought and poetry.

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I became obsessed with writing poetry after this movie. So glad we kept my journals and it’s hilarious to read back on it now.

Big- I don’t even know what to say about this movie, but I can watch it over and over again. I love when that lady is trying to get some, but he doesn’t know what the f to do, haha.

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Did these gigantic piano’s even exist?!

Stepmom- Super sad, but I LOVED this movie. I always thought Julia Roberts was SO pretty in this film, and I could recognize the struggle of the children of the divorced parents.

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The Little Giants- We actually don’t own this movie! Hopefully I can find it on Amazon for cheap. Tyler???

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Ice Box!

Mrs. Doubtfire- Who doesn’t like this movie? I fricking loved when Jack walked in on  Mrs. Doubtfire peeing and saw that “she” was a “he”…or when Robin Williams threw a piece of fruit at the new dudes head at the pool.

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I’m scared to see the new movie…

Hook- I remember watching this with my cousins growing up…my favorite part was when they ate the pretend food and when “Peter” learned how to fly again by Tinkerbell (Julia Roberts).

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Home Run, Jack! Or…Run Home, Jack…? P.S. Love the name Jack.

Alright…I can go on and on, so I’ll stop here. If you’re ever in shit-ass mood and need a little pick-me-up, watch one of these movies!

What are your favorite childhood films and why?

**I wrote this post 2 weeks before Robin Williams passed away. This is a tragic loss, not only to Hollywood, but to people of a few generations. Depression is taboo and not discussed openly enough. If you or someone you know suffers, PLEASE reach out and call a hotline. I have listed a few below:

Samaritans 24-Hour Crisis Hotline (212) 673-3000

 US Suicide Hotline 1-800- 784-2433

Books About Infertility

The 2 week wait (2ww) after a positive opk resulting in yet another negative pregnancy test gets discouraging as months carry on. There were 2 months late last year when I was absolutely sure I was pregnant.  How could I not be when everything was tracked and timed and I took all of the advice I was told or read about?! Obviously life has a plan of it’s own.

A handful of friends that are/have gone through similar situations and websites (which I know are not always reliable) helped me better understand exactly how complex it is to conceive. Some people are fertile effing myrtle, but others aren’t. I wanted a couple of books that explained various reasons that infertility occurs, how to cope with it, and real-life situations. After some research, I ordered the following two books on Amazon.

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This book focused on slightly older couples that had trouble conceiving or waited too long and had to seek other avenues (multiple rounds of IVF, adoption, surrogates, etc.). However, they stated that problems can arise at any age- every body is different. It did a wonderful job explaining emotions that come along with the journey month after month and how it can affect your relationship with your partner. Topics such as why the emotions are so complex (so many emotions surface during this trying time), why things have possibly went wrong, and how to grieve and cope with infertility are explored. I’ll be in the midst of my last year of my 20′s when TJ gets home. I’m not “old”, but we want a damn baby and don’t want to be hee-hawin’ around.

This book struck my emotional side, helped me feel less alone and as if I were abnormal, and come to terms with the fact that everyone handles things differently. I highly suggest buying it if you or someone you know is having issues- it was only a few bucks on Amazon!

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The Infertility Survival Handbook shared medical procedures in a more detailed manner. It thoroughly explained tests diagnosis, issues men may have and treatments, and how to decide which approach to take given your situation. It went on to discuss how to talk with family and friends about it (we all cope with things differently, and some people are more private than others…obviously I am not one of those people!), how to afford treatment (it’s expensive as shit!!! Maybe I should start playing the lotto…), how to understand your cycle, and what to expect once you begin treatment. Dealing with unsuccessful treatment is touched on lightly, along with exploring other options.

This is the go-to book if your dealing with fertility issues. So many questions are answered, and although it’s not as emotionally-driven as Unsung Lullabies, it provides so much helpful information. This baby-making is a complex process; I never realized it until I started researching everything and talking to others after our miscarriage.

Have you ever read any books on infertility/trouble conceiving? If so, which ones?

Did you ever have to use alternative options to have children (medication, trigger shots, IUI, IVF, adoption)? How did you feel about that?

How long did you try to conceive on your own until you sought professional help?

 

 

Update- October 2014. One Step Forward and 5 Steps Back

I was hesitant about doing a month by month check-in about what’s new with my cycle and progesterone levels because most people probably don’t give a shit, but then I realized that I write this blog for myself :) It’s been a useful to regarding remember certain dates and cycle lengths and such, and despite not wanting to worry about all that stuff seeing that there is virtually no chance to conceive over the next several months, I know it’ll help us in the end. It gives me a thorough description of what went on each month which may be beneficial upon Tyler’s return and we have to figure out where to go from there. And, if I can help or be relatable to a few people along the way, then it’s definitely worth my time still! Anyways, I’ll keep this short and sweet and say this month blew absolute ass in this department.

I went to the clinic on day 23 of my cycle since day 21 fell on a Saturday. I looked at my results online last Friday and my progesterone levels were at .46. W.T.F. This is the LOWEST number I have ever gotten, and I was freaking crushed. I’ll tell ya, I miss my husband every single day, but in this moment, I absolutely yearned to hold him. Instead, I made a drink and watched one of my favorite movies, Big, haha. Classy, I know, and you wont ever hear me complain about feeling lonely during this time, but I truly felt alone that day. It took a day to get over my pity party, but I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t still annoyed. I know it’s pointless to feel this way though and it’s really nothing I can control.

Love this picture of Wrigley, haha.

The thing is- I thought things were going to get better. I’m not the most positive person on the planet, but I really, really thought positive. Last cycle was 31 or 32 days and my progesterone level was 6.9 on cycle day 21. Not amazing number but the best I’ve ever measured naturally! I cut my cardio down to virtually zero (I walk a shit ton at work though but obviously never get my heart rate up). I gained nearly ten pounds over the course of three months. And it didn’t do effing shit but made things worse, haha.

I was once again told that maybe it’s stress, and I asked what in the world I have to be stressed about? Aside from no baby in my arms, our lives have fallen into place for the most part. I was looked at as if I had three heads when I asked this…. oh yeah, my husband is deployed to a scary ass place, and my job can be stressful at times. Bu I truly don’t think these two components would stress my body out enough to produce pretty much no progesterone and haul ovulation, but who knows.

After a crappy last few days (tooth issues, horrible Day 21 lab results- lowest progesterone level I've EVER had while being monitored- like nonexistent, and an effing kitchen sink leak), I came home from work to a box from my mom filled with these goodies. She knows Fall is my favorite time of year...I love you! This made me cry although I'm a little unsure about the purple glitter pumpkin, haha  And thank you for the awesome mug, Kathleen!

I came home from work last week to find a box sent by my mom on our doorstep. She knew I had a few crappy days and knows I absolutely LOVE the Fall, so sent me a box of goodies! So sweet.

The obgyn I have been seeing since our initial pregnancy is out of office until the end of the year as she was pregnant herself (via IVF). I also was assigned a new PCM (primary care physician, which is like my general doctor)- I loved loved loved my old one so this is a bummer. The new one called the other day and told me to call the hospital and request an appointment with a new obgyn. She saw in my files that we were trying to conceive for a while, and it was noted that although my husband’s deployed, we want to keep tabs on my cycles during this time so we have a course of action planned soon after he gets home. Hopefully it doesn’t take me three flipping months to be seen ;)

It will actually be nice to get another profession’s opinion and insight. I’ve learned that you HAVE to be your own advocate. If you sit around waiting for shit to happen, it’s probably not going to happen. We should be leaving Texas about six months after TJ gets home, so we’d like to have a better idea of what’s up before having to start the process of moving and such. I’m not even sure if where we are going next has any obgyn’s that treat fertility more than just throwing Clomid at them! We may have to travel to get additional help if need be….but like usual, I’m getting too far ahead of myself, haha.

My favorite girl sent me this mug last week!

So, that’s that. I’m obviously going to keep my caloric intake up (I don’t count calories, just eat more!), but I’m also introducing cardio back into my life. Tyler and I discussed this and he’s down since this was my main stress reliever for years. However, it won’t be much- 10 miles a week or so. I think a couple of miles every few days isn’t overkill at all, and I always feel amazing after a run. I’ll still do weights as I never stopped that.

I’ve been asked about my diet and exercise routine over the past few years and how that’s changed, so I’ll probably get a post up about that sometime soon.

In the meantime, I’m keeping my fingers crossed this cycle isn’t like 60 days long or some crazy shit, but now that it’s already longer than 35 days long, it probably doesn’t even matter. I love October, and I have some things to look forward this month that will keep me preoccupied :)

Do you suffer from irregular periods or not ovulating every month?

Can this be hereditary?

Any advice or suggestions?

Deployment Bucket List

Good morning! So, I’ve compiled a list of things I want to do while TJ is away.

I obviously want my husband to be here with me to do all of these things…but he can’t. So I ponied up and thought of things that I could do to help me get through this anxiety ridden time apart.

Most women have a FRG that they rely on. Tyler was individually tasked out; therefore, he didn’t go with his unit. I’m not crying because I’m a lonesome wife, but I want people to know that is not not what typically happens. Usually there is a group of spouses that you can relate to/rely on because their husbands or wives are all in the same unit and are deployed together (FRG- Family Readiness Group). Mama don’t have that unfortunately, and I haven’t even been in contact with anyone in his unit since he’s pretty much been gone, but that’s okay.

I constructed a “30 Before 30 Bucket List” and it’s been somewhat successful so far but I’ll get to that in another post. Anyways, I’m one that strives when goals are set. I spent years doggy-paddling around, and it got me nowhere. Tyler thinks it’s amusing (or perhaps irritating, haha) that when I achieve something, I can’t just enjoy it- I have to move onto something else . The list is comprised of things that I want to do to keep myself from doing nothing but work, clean, and watching Hulu and Netflix.

1.) Go to a movie solo- Some people do this with no prob (my husband), while others would never even think about doing this. Tyler’s always loved movies, and watching them is kinda our thing (I’m sure this was their thing in his previous relationships, but I’m the queen of the castle now). While I plan on waiting for him to get home to watch most of movies, there are a handful I want to see that I know he could give a shit about. So far, I have seen The Giver (good) and Into the Storm (sucked BIG TIME!). I also want to see Gone Girl next month (read the book). He saw the trailer and wasn’t impressed, haha :(

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Had to prove to TJ I actually went ;) It was only me an a couple in the theater on a random Monday afternoon!

 

2.) Go to a farmer’s market- I typically work on Saturdays, but I know there is a great farmer’s market (so I’ve heard) in El Paso….or maybe it’s in Las Cruces? Anyways, I’ve never been to one before, and I think it’d be fun to check out.

3.) Read. A LOT. – I’d go through phases with reading when I was in school, but growing up I always read before bed to help me relax and transition into bedtime mode. We’ve ordered a handful of books for me over the past few months, and I’m excited to get caught up in a story instead of our own situation!

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4.) Attend a Group Fitness Class- I know Crossfit is the big fad now, but I’m not looking to get into that- sorry.  There is a huge array of group fitness classes offered on post for only about $2.50 per session (yoga, body pump, TRX, spinning, gravity, etc.), and I think one or two of those a week with my light cardio and weights will not only keep me social but feeling good! I’ve just been too lazy to drive there with my work schedule. I feel bad leaving the dogs locked up longer than need be! :(

***I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ve cut WAY back on my activity level and gained some weight to try to help regulate my cycles and ovulate on my own. If anyone’s interested in what I’ve been doing (or what I haven’t been doing) let me know. I know so many people struggle to lose weight and keep it off, but there are those that actually need to gain to help with reproduction…I can go on and on about this, sorry!

Group Class Tips

5.) Boudoir Session- Google this if you don’t know what it is. It’s basically a sexy photo session…but it can be as teasing or raunchy as you desire (depending on the photographer, haha). I wanted a session done for our first anniversary, but didn’t find the time, nor could I justify the money as I wasn’t working (solely going to school full-time at that point). I found an amazing deal by Krystal Kleer Photography, and inquired about a session immediately. She fit me in and made me feel incredibly comfortable. I hope to do more photo sessions with her before we leave :) I had to find an appropriate photo….

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Yes, these are my granny hands. Tyler picked out my ring himself- we NEVER discussed such a thing. He knew I loved antique/vintage jewelry…and this is what I got. In platinum ;)

 

6.) Dry Bar- I know these have become popular, but I live under a freaking rock and just heard about them a few months ago. El Paso tends to be somewhat behind from cities such as Chicago, so I was excited when I heard that Dry Bar opened up! I got a blow out and my make-up done…yes, I splurged, but I thought the price was fairly reasonable…although why is getting your make-up done so expensive?!  My hair styles are straight, wavy/curly or in a pony-tail…so yeah.

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In a hurry, haha.

7.) House Cleanse- I’m a clean freak, but some things I just don’t care about. Vacuuming and dusting are done every other day or so because of the dogs and it can get super dusty in El Paso. House cleanse means wiping out drawers/cabinets/refrigerator/etc.- things I don’t do very often. I’ll crack open a bottle of wine, put on some music, and wipe shit down!

*This also means organizing my crafting stuff :)

8.) Try more recipes- This is definitely not a problem for me. Tyler hates veggies and most fruits, but I can sometimes disguise them. However, this time apart gives me the opportunity to try new recipes that he might like. I just made one recently…if I didn’t tell him what was in it, he would love it (with a little bit of butter and extra cinnamon on top though!).

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Spiced carrot zucchini bread. I used apple sauce in place of oil and it was amazing!

9.) Keep up with a pedicure every 8 weeks- This sounds so bogus, but I’ve only gotten a few manis/pedis in my life. However, working in retail, where sandals are part of my daily attire year-round, my feet get fuggin dry. I can keep up with the maintenance, but it’d be nice to have this done every other month. Hopefully my mom has some stuff to give to me when I come home so I can do at-home pedi’s with friends ;)

10.) Hang with friends/do more things in general- I can be an absolute hermit. If it weren’t for me loving men, I  think I’d be happy by myself, haha. So sad, but true. I’m not one that needs to be constantly socializing. The handful of friends (I use this term loosely- probably more like acquaintances) I have or  that I initially met have either moved away or have really not contacted me since Tyler has left. However, I have a friend whose husband is leaving soon as well- I met her through my job which I’m incredibly grateful for! Don’t get my wrong- I still have my best friend and family back at home- I’m not a complete loser ;)

 

*What are some things you do when your spouse is gone?

*Do you have any suggestions of shows/movies on Hulu or Netflix?! Books?

*Are you more of a socializer or a homebody like me?

 

Ten Things You May Not Know About Me (Childhood Edition)

I don’t know why, but I love learning weird, random facts about people, especially those I’m closest to. Today I wanted to share some things about myself that most people, aside from tight family and friend relationships, don’t know :)

1. I HATE being splashed while in the water. It’s not even a matter of not getting my hair wet (who goes swimming and doesn’t get their hair wet?), it’s just annoying, and sometimes I have my contacts in. If you splash me, I’ll either attack you or tell you to bug off and get out (not really childhood- I’ve always been like this!) :)

2. My favorite cereals growing up were Cap’n Crunch Crunch Berries, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, and Cinnamon Life (although I don’t know if these were around when I was super young). Berry Kix, Reese Puffs, and Lucky Charms were shortly behind.

I got this picture from a site entitled “Kid’s Cereal: 85% More Sugar, 65% Less Fiber Than Adults”. This stuff definitely needs to be considered a treat and not a way to start one’s day.

3. One summer when I was 8 years old or so, my cousin Brad and I had a “Who Can Eat the Most Oatmeal Crème Pies the Fastest Contest”. I lost, got sick, and 20 years later cannot fathom even trying a bite of one again.

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4. When I was in elementary school, I wanted to be a psychologist when I grew up. I don’t know why or how I learned what a psychologist even was (mama has seen a few in my later years, but never when I was little!).

 

Anyone else remember this slide that hurt your ass like no other? Shit hurt.

5. I LOVED having a brother so much when I was little that I wanted my sister to be a boy, too. In fact, I wanted his name to be Randy (as in J.T.T. from Home Improvement). Another fact: parent’s never found out the gender of my siblings and me (I’m sure the grammar is wrong in this sentence). This whole big hoopla may have not been as prominent back in the 80s/90s, but I LOVE this! (Who the hell did gender reveal parties back then…guess we need to find a reason to get gifts or be the center of attention at any occasion, eh?…just kidding…not, haha).

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Camping! Probably have to pay me to go now ;)

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I even named my second kitten Simba when I was little. My first pet’s name was K.C.- short for Kim and Chris :)

6.) I’ve thought John Stamos was a fox since I was 5 years old. Seriously. I wanted my brother to be named Jesse. My Ken dolls were named Jesse. I’d name Tyler Jesse if I could…kidding for real ;) This hawk is my mom’s age, but he’ll always be on my list even when he’s old balls. Click on the links below to listen to my favorites of him- I know I’m super lame!!!

For the Times

Forever

 

 

Uncle-Jesse

Yellllooo.

7.) I am was OBSESSED with the Care Bears and Strawberry Shortcake. Going to the video store to rent VHS movies was the highlight of my life. Sadly, this fascination continued on into adulthood and over time I have acquired most of the 1980 Care Bears movies either on VHS or DVD, and a few Strawberry. Berenstain Bears were also up there, as was Rainbow Bright, Lady Lovely Locks, and My Little Pony. Please tell me I’m not the only one that loved 1980′s/90′s cartoons….

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8.) I hated my name in elementary and middle school. I thought Kimberly was supposed to be a 1960′s hippie or housewife. When my friends and I would go to Discovery Zone and I’d always say my name was Stacy or Rachel I went on to learn in my later years were two slutty names. JUST KIDDING! Seriously…kidding. There are plenty of hoes named Kim out there, I’m sure ;)

I could actually kinda agree with this…although I now express my emotions openly for the most part ;)

 

9.) I’ve wanted to name my future daughter Skylar since the fifth grade. I babysat a little girl who had this name and fell in love with it instantly. This went on for years until I met my now husband- Tyler. I still held onto it while we were dating, but the whole rhyming thing started bugging me over time. Then TJ and I watched the entire Breaking Bad series, and he said no fucking way to the name (he hated Skylar, haha). I was pretty much over it at that point…Skylar Singleton sounds kinda porn-ish…and if we have a future daughter, we want her to be good like her mom ;)

10.) Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. My birthday and Christmas are too close together (my birthday is exactly 2 weeks after Christmas), so that always blew donkey balls. You get ripped off (a combined gift is not cool, people!), people are broke, or you’re forgotten about. It’s -20 degrees and there’s 4 feet of snow on the ground…yep, definitely complaining, haha.

Anyways, my mom used to dress us up and show excitement about Halloween, so I think that’s why I love it so much.

Isn’t this the cutest thing ever?! What exactly are we supposed to be though, mom? Farmers? haha ;)

My mom made/bought odds and ends at a thrift store to make this outfit. Most little girls are princesses or some shit, but nope- I was a bum! No offense, but I like this better- plus, it probably cost them WAY less! P.S. My dad looks like Mario in this pic :/

I actually graduated in 2004, mother :)

Marge Simpson, compliments of Good Will. The Homer disguise kinda freaked me out…can you tell? We won best costume at the party we went to though!

 

What are some random childhood facts about yourself?

 

Did you have a favorite food, name, job, TV show, holiday?

Breathing Again- Trying to Conceive and Marriage

 

I didn’t exactly know how to title this post, and just do so you know- when I think about this topic, I tend to be all over the place.

To begin with- I know there are so many couples that battle infertility for YEARS. I am letting you know beforehand that we cannot comprehend what you are feeling. My thoughts about what we have endured so far are based on the past year or so… and obviously my husband’s deployment has put a mad stop to everything for nine months.

Trying to conceive and getting knocked up accidentally or without trying are entirely different. I shouldn’t even have to explain why. However, this post is going to discuss how the miscarriage and the months TTC again have affected us as a couple, as well as myself.

When found out that we were pregnant on July 7, 2013, everything became a whirlwind. Tyler had JUST gotten home from NIE (field training for 6 weeks) and I was taking 4 summer classes (and had 6 left in the Fall to finish up). We had some issues with ultrasounds and blood work during the early weeks but thought we were in smooth sailing after the nine week mark past. Honestly, the thought of miscarriage was always in the back of my mind because of the early weeks.

I vividly remember looking into the mirror one day around 6 weeks asking God that if something were going to happen to please let it be early on…I know, completely irrational. I questioned myself whether or not to even say this on the blog, but that, among other things, is why I question God. I know he doesn’t answer all requests and that things could have been much, much worse, so please don’t attack me. ;) He took a shat on that request I made though. For several months after, close family and friends would say that they were praying for us. I truly appreciate this, but Tyler doesn’t believe in that stuff and I got fed up with it. Sorry, but true.

Anyways, the past fourteen months have brought Tyler and I closer together than I thought possible, but that doesn’t mean we have not had our fair share of arguments or that it hasn’t put strain on our relationship at times. I’m not going to air our dirty laundry, but I want to give some insight to let those that are struggling or have struggled know that we are not perfect.

 

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Elephant Butte… sucked donkey! Late June, 2012.

Here’s one instance: We were sitting outside a laundry-mat waiting for our comforter to get done (I was afraid our washing machine would break if I tried shoving our king-sized comforter in it). Tyler was talking on the phone to his parents… and I heard him say the name that we’d chosen should the baby be a boy…and I seriously think steam came out of my ears I was so mad. Not even mad- angry. (note- I was asked several times by my mom about names and I told her to put a lid on it).

My reasoning behind this- can’t we a keep secret between ourselves? I wanted ONE thing to be between us- husband and wife- and it really hurt me. He was adamant on finding out the sex of the baby beforehand which I kind of wanted to refrain from doing (I definitely want to know now because of the miscarriage, but not sure if I want everyone to know), so keeping this between us was important to me. Does there really need to be more reasoning? The woman is the one who carries the darn baby!

You know what? A week later we found out that I miscarried. I cried over what happened, but remember, I didn’t have my D&C done for nearly two weeks later. I can recall replaying this awful fight in my head on my way home from class one day  and actually pulled over because I couldn’t stop crying (not dramatizing this, babe). Keep in mind that “it” was still inside of me for two weeks after the news…so my hormones were off the chart.

I know people are excited when pregnancy news arises- I get it. It could have been anyone that asked this simple question and I would’ve gotten upset- not at them by any means, but at his response, haha. I think we will both be keeping one foot on the ground until we are holding a newborn in our arms…and the only important thing during those nine months is mine and the baby’s health. Moral of the story is that I may have been illogical with my reason to get upset, but shit happens and we all have to compromise….and sometimes things are too important to us that we may choose not to compromise and want to get our way, haha ;)

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Our weekend getaway to Phoenix after everything. Needed a weekend away to help heal.

We argued over baby items…cribs, strollers, car seats, monitors, high chairs- pretty much everything, haha. We registered pretty early on (at 11 weeks), but did so because TJ was going back to the field for 6 weeks and by the time he’d get home, I would’ve been 5 months pregnant (and in school full-time), and we figured that our shower would be when we were able to come home at Christmas since I was due in early March.

All I’m saying about this- I’m so freaking glad that we got these discussions out of the way. Tyler’s a researcher and I’m more of a hearsay kinda person…CLASH! We’ve already purchased a few items for our future baby after we came to an agreement (yep, stroller and car seat are out of the way!).

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Outside of my old apartment in Gilbert, Arizona. Tyler made me get out and pose in front of it, haha. Moving to AZ then moving home was a turning point in my life…

As far as intimacy…it became a chore for a few months. I was obsessed around November/December- charting my basal temp and using ovulation strips all the time. Those strips RULED my mood. If I was mid-cycle and the tests came back negative, I was annoyed. When they were positive, I was ecstatic. It didn’t matter though because I believe that my progesterone was probably so low during these months (I wasn’t monitored during this time), and we obviously had no positive results. People say that you’re more fertile after a miscarriage, but this is not always true. I was still crazy about my husband, but it simply isn’t the same when things are kinda forced to reach a desired goal. Those that have tried and tried again know what I mean!

His deployment came fast and unexpected. I’ll be almost 30 when TJ gets home, so I hope people stop saying “you’re so young”. Tyler is three years older than me, but I know men can have kids until they’re like effing 70 or something. He had a sperm analysis done earlier this year and everything came back normal, but he will have one again when he gets home (the test is done once a year for those trying to conceive). It’s crucial to get it done as soon as he gets home because sometimes the vaccinations that the soldiers have to get beforehand can effect their sperm.

When you hit 30, you’re considered to be old when trying to conceive a first child in the military. For real. I honestly could give a fugg because we’re probably more financially secure than 98% of the much younger crowd popping out kids, yet it still tugs at your heart once in a while. However, I make myself put things into perspective:

*I have a Bachelor’s college degree and a decent job.

*He has two Bachelor degrees and is an Officer in the Army.

*We have two awesome, fairly new vehicles paid off.

*He has NO college debt (though I have a good lump sum, haha).

This shit may be all monetary, but in all honesty, children cost money. It could potentially cost us a lot to finally have baby, so at least we will be somewhat prepared if that’s what it comes down to :) (obviously we are hoping not- hopefully my body will be so shocked when he comes home that it’ll grab ahold of a good one ;)

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While I we still yearn for a baby one day, I can seriously say that it feels good to just breathe again. No more frequent doctors appointments (only one visit to the lab each month) and constant testing for weeks straight. No more hoping then getting hit with disappointment…at least for a while. Our miscarriage brought Tyler and I closer together, and I know deep down that this deployment will only further strengthen our relationship.

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We may not think the same way, see eye to eye on all issues, but this man is my everything. It’s okay to disagree. TTC will take your relationship to a place it’s never been before. Have date nights and don’t constantly talk about things. And remember to always keep why you fell in love with the person in the first place in mind.

*On the surface, I fell for Tyler’s perfect smile and face (sounds super weird, haha), especially in a baseball hat (I have a thing for hats people…)

*Once we started talking, I knew this guy was motivated and was going to do something with his life. HOT.

*He likes the good things in life, but he’s financially responsible. He doesn’t take hand-outs and has bought his own shit. Admirable.

*He’s honest. Sometimes too honest and I wanna kick him in his balls, but he’s always been honest with everyone.

*He doesn’t love just anyone. This guy is picky. How did I get so lucky?! Don’t answer this, haha

If you’re having issues with your marriage when you’re trying to conceive, hang in there. Though we only ventured into fertility medication, feel free to message me!

 

If you and your spouse struggled to conceive, did it effect your marriage at all?

Were you guys super couple and never argued at all??

To everyone- tell me your BEST marriage tip!